how to get the coolest hat: an emotional journey
by soviet-chan
Summary: hevy finds new cheats to get rare hatz, everyone endures pain for the good of hatz, medic cusses a lot
1. the first step of the journey

one day the hevy was sitting at his base atin a sandvich and then the scout came up to hum and saed "do you like skullfucking little girls" and hevy said "no but i like fucking u up the butt" and then he fucked him up the butt and his hat fell off onto the ground and...oh shit! that's not the scout. hevy you dumb fuck thats a spy. so then hevy fucked the spy up the butt for a change of scenery. "ouch" saed spy. "yay" saed hevy. then he came out of his pee-pee and out of the cum came about 3 dolphins, a bottle of hairspray and a new hat. oh my fucking god its an unusual big cheif. "where the fuck were you hiding tat rare ass fucker?" asked the medic. "in my big russian wee-wee" sed hevy. "what the actual fuck" said medic. "if u fuck me i can make a rare hat drop for u too" said hevy. so medic bent over and removed his pants and in went the hevy. he pulled out just in time for a tucan, three birthday cakes and an unusual blighted beak to come out of his dick hole. "god damn you you fat ass communist" sed medic "i gotta tell the whole team so everyone can have rare hats" so one by one everyone came into the base and let heavy fuck them in the ass in exchange for a bottle of viagra which hevy ate the whole thing of they got cool new hats. the end.


	2. last step of the journeytragic death

"wowwwy!" sed the sniper after his time in the base was done "that was one big wiener dog and now i have a snazzy new hat so all the cool guys will notice me at the gay bar. i bet itll be a big hit at grandmas bingo parties too" all of a sudden soldier came out of nowhere. "u want another cool hat sniper?" soldier winked seductively. sniper saed "omg yes and readied himself for the anal by removing all of his clothes. then he got stabbed in the nuts cause it was ACTUALLY A SPY! holy fucking shit sniper are you that stupid. god damn it. when he respawned in the base he saw the soldier there again! "hey are you a spy?" he asked "nope" said the soldier "but if you let my large veiny member into your butthole you can get another cool hat"

"cool" said sniper and removed his pants and panties. soldier thrust his less-than-average circumsized weewee into dat ass. and pulled out to cum….but nothing came out except sticky white stuff. suddenly the sniper reached on his head…"OMG SOLDIER!" he screamed "the unusual ol' snaggletooth that i won from fucking the hevy! its gone! soldier, letting your dingaling into my butt made it dissapear!" "whoops" said soldier" "what the fuck is everyone doing? you guys are so fucking gay" said medic who appeared in the doorway. "medic!" said soldier "what do you think you've been doing dilly dallying and shit? get over here and let me stick it in your butt" "no thanks" said medic mockingly "you guys are such faggo-" then hevy came up behind him and pantsed him and started touching him on the happy spot. "what the fucking fuck hevy?" questioned medic. "shut up doctor" said hevy then medic started blushing and making sickening sex noises that sounded like literal date rape drugs if it was a person.

"fuck you soldier!" screamed the sniper who didn't even give a shit because his cool hat was gone. "fuck you i want my hat back! all i care about is my hat! i dont give a shit about humanity, red, blue its all the fucking same. where is my HAT?!" "i think that its up my butt" said soldier. "i need to borrow the medic to surgically remove it."

but the medic was passionately making love so after an eeny-meeny-miny-mo he picked the spy to cut it out of his butt with a fucking knife. he layed down on the ground and started chopping at the butt. out came about forty two tampons followed by fifty bell peppers followed by a doll of the scout followed by a loaf of bread and finally - out came snipers hat! but soldier was dead. "who actually gives a fuck?" said medic in between aroused sex noises "i sure as fuck dont" the end


	3. sleepover party!

that was when the blue team starts invading their base and fuck it their all naked and shit. "oh my god you're all naked and shit!" screamed like blue everyone as each and every one of them awkwardly shifted to cover their boners. "this is an inappropriate and despicable situation" stated the blue pyro coherently. then he got shot in the face because he was not gay enough. everyone got naked who wasn't because it was….a sleepover party in the red team's base! the red scout started painting the red hevy's gigantic huge nails red even tho it is such an ugly chola color for only cholas and trashy white girls who want to be mexican. that was when the engineer pulled out a SHIT TON of mike's hard ™ lemoniad out of the snazzy pink mini fridge he had built. "ladies!" he screamed "its time to get wasted!" "oh my god" said the medic who for some reason was STILL getting pounded in the ass by the hevy "i love that shit! you get crunk off a single bottle hot damn" the blue team had brought a speaker system and they started blasting skrillex and shit like that because everyone wanted to grind hopelessly against eachother weeny bits. "what the fuck?" asked the red pyro "arent we supposed to be killing eachother?" then he got shot in the face by the sniper with a wadded up ball of pink panties because he didn't have enough party spirit. "yay!" screamed the red hevy as he climaxed and pulled out dropping NOT ONE NOT TWO BUT…..THREE RARE HATS OUT OF HIS DICK. holy shit damn mother fucker fox asshole grenade launcher fuck duck muck so many hats. Everyone reached down to gobble them up and wheile they were down with butts in the air they started getting fucked by other people who hadn't been quick enough to reach for the hats. "Oh yeah" said the demoman both blue and red at the same fucking time because thats how fucking scottish he is. he (both hims) were guzzling at all the mike's hard ™ lemoiad before any other motherfucker could even get at that shit. then they all got on the dance floor and began a giant conga line that turned into a giant grinding line because they are that gay. both pyros respawned there because everyone's friends now because gay sex does that to you. then they hit the dance floor and started breakdancing and shit. "oh my god" said the hevy "can i have ur autographs?" and the pyro said "where?" and hevy said "my big russian wee-wee duh." the end


End file.
